I have been surrounded by many kind people in my life. My family, my church, my teachers, especially those in elementary school. What absolute heroes.
But what I wish to discuss here is finding kindness in colleagues - and what false kindness can look like as well. In his famous essay, The Inner Ring, CS Lewis warns against trying to constantly win the approval of the movers and shakers in our work. He says living for the Inner Ring is a poison to our souls and will cause us to cut ethical corners and run down others in order to get the Ring’s approval. Instead, he says, devote yourselves to excellence in your craft, serving others with your gifts - and in time the people who matter most will take notice.
Likewise be warned: there will be those who befriend you only when it benefits them. Now, make no mistake, some degree of professional networking is necessary in any field. But engage in it with caution. Make the contacts you need to, look to help others plug in as you are able, but do not mistake networking for friendship. Some colleagues may well become friends but it will be for reasons altogether different than your common interests at work.
In the same way, look out for friendships that form too quickly over superficial bonds, no matter how common they may be - a love for the same sports team or music, or having the same alma mater. Again, these bonds are fine but do not mistake them for actual friendship. Because what may happen is that when you have a disagreement, these bonds will come to mean nothing. When you are no longer useful for these kinds of colleagues, their “friendship” will disappear. They will ghost you - or perhaps worse depending on their character and energies.
On the other hand, you will meet some truly kind people over your careers like I have. When I was unemployed in Cincinnati, a fellow pastor, Dan Perrin, took me under his wing. He was so gracious to us. He gave me precious time and advice. He let me teach Sunday School and attend elder’s meetings to learn - even though I was not a member of the church. He took me to conferences with him and shared his life with me.
I’ve never repaid Dan. I am not sure I could. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. He did it because he was kind.
One time, Dan took me with him to a conference in Ligonier, Pennsylvania. There were about a hundred ministers there, I guess. And very often, when folks asked me what I did, I would tell them I was unemployed right out of seminary and I could see the gears start to shift in their heads, as their eyes darted around to find someone else to talk to. I could do nothing for them and so they moved on. But other men took a sincere interest, asking me questions, and how could they pray for me. They were kind.
In your life, look for these kinds of folks.
You will have to navigate this sort of thing throughout your lives and careers, especially at professional conferences and even church meetings. I kinda hate conferences, largely for this reason. One time at lunch a younger colleague sat down across from me and as we began our conversation, someone more important sat down at another table. I kid you not, mid-sentence, without a word of explanation, he got right up, took his tray and sat down next to this big wig instead. This man is doing well now in his career. This is the way the world works.
But in your life you will also find true friends and kind colleagues, men and women who will take a genuine interest in you. They will encourage you or help you advance - not because of any favors you can return but simply because it’s the right thing to do. Some of them you may be able to repay with your own kindness down the road. Others you will not - and that’s OK. Those colleagues were “paying it forward” as a kindness to you. In turn, pay it forward to someone else.
In fact, every time you help a student do well, every time you assist a child in need, every time you take care of a spouse or friend with challenges, you are paying it forward. You don’t know if they can ever repay you. But that’s not why you do it. You do it simply because it’s the right thing to do. You do it because of kindness.