NOTE: This was first published as a Twitter thread on July 16, 2022 at https://twitter.com/CAHutch1990 below.
But if you don’t want to read it on Twitter, I suppose it can work as a substack as well. Just don’t forget to SKIM those parts you have not been directed to yet. Enjoy!
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SURVIVING THE SEVENTIES
A Choose-Your-Adventure Twitter Thread*
*not affiliated with Choose Your Own Adventure books. Credit for the idea to Edward Packard. Loved these books growing up.
All Rights Reserved, 2022
See next tweet for the rules:
1/50
1) Open the whole thread
2) DO NOT READ TWEETS IN ORDER
3) Go to the Tweet Number you are directed to per your choice. Try to skim other tweets to avoid spoilers.
4) You have one life. When you lose it, you are done and have to start over. YOU DID NOT SURVIVE THE SEVENTIES. Good luck!
HERE WE GO:
2/50
3/
You get home from Pyle Junior High lugging a pile of books held together with a red rubber bungee cord. Dad’s at work and Mom’s at one of her volunteer events. You’ve got a few hours on your own.
Do you:
a) Start your algebra homework. Go to #8
b) Play ball-off-the-roof with the dogs. Go to #7
c) Watch a Star Trek rerun on channel 20. Go to #9
4/
You ask for the ball back. This enrages Mr. Boiler who gets out his power hose and begins spraying down your mom’s half dozen terriers, who go crazy and attack the water.
Do you:
a) Step in front of the power hose, taking the full force of the spray. Go to #16
b) Grab the dogs as best you can and run to the basement. Go to #13
5/
You were wrong. He swung. Start over.
6/
The RCA TV is doing that dizzy horizontal line thing. Do you:
a) Mess with the wires in the back, trying to get the picture back to normal? Kirk’s almost had it! LORRHEINNN! Go to #23
b) Give up and go look for “Are You There, God, It’s Me Margaret?” in your sister’s room. Go to # 33
7/
You start lobbing tennis balls up on the roof and try to get them before the dogs. The first few balls are great, despite the slobber.
But then one ball bounces over the fence into Mr. Boiler's driveway. He comes out yelling and cussing, chomping on his cigar.
Do you:
a) Apologize meekly and ask for the ball back. Go to #4
b) Run like he*l. Go to #14
8/
You grab some Pop-Rocks and start your algebra homework. The teacher had talked about doing well to get into Berkeley, and you were like, I’m in 7th grade, don’t talk to me about college. She yelled at you.
Anyway, it’s boring. AND WHY ARE THERE LETTERS? It’s math!
Do you:
a) Give up for now. Go to #3
b) Decide to experiment by drinking Coke with your Pop-Rocks. Go to #21
9/
You grab some Wonder Bread and Tang and settle into the basement sofa.
The Star Trek rerun is that good one where Kirk is stuck on a planet all alone with some lizard thing that’s trying to kill him while shouting, “LORRHEINNN” or something the whole time…. Continued in #10
10/
But then, just as Kirk seems doomed, the TV goes on the fritz. The TV is an RCA home kit built by Dad and housed in a chest of drawers. The sound is fine, but the picture went all fuzzy with purple and green horizontal lines moving up and down…. Continued in #6
11/
You start to rummage through Ian’s brother’s closet looking for the holy grail of every junior high aged boy. Suddenly, you hear a door slam upstairs. Someone’s home! It’s Jed, Ian’s brother, wearing a Farah Fawcett tank top.
Continue to #12….
12/
Jed comes downstairs and sees what you are doing and screams, enraged. He grabs a golf club from the corner and lifts it over his head to swing at you.
Do you:
a) Stand there, knowing he would never swing. Go to #5
b) Run into the sauna with Ian. Go to #22
13/
You grab two dogs under your arms and throw them in their crates. Two others follow you down. Percy and Vixen however are still attacking the hose with a vengeance. You go back for them, and soaking, finally wrangle them into their crates…. Continued in #38
14/
You run like H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks down the street. Your friend Ian sees you and tells you to come over, he wants to try something…. continues in #15
15/
Ian is grinning big and holding a can of black spray paint and a lighter. Of course he is.
Do you:
a) Say, nah, another time, I gotta go do my algebra. Go to #8
b) Say, ooooh, that looks fun. Go to #17
16/
You bravely step into the power hose spray and it careens everywhere off your chest, including splashing Mr. Boiler in the face. Stunned, he puts the hose down and says, “Dam* kid, that was good.” He lets you take a puff on his cigar, and that’s that.
Go to #3
17/
Ian brings you into his backyard where there is a kiddie pool full of water. He aims the spray paint at the water and invites you to hold up the lighter to the nozzle, “to see what happens….” Continued in #18
18/
… You say "no, that's stupid," and Ian starts taunting you, “whataya, scared?” over and over, holding up the lighter.
Do you:
a) Give into his pressure and light it up. Go to #19
b) Say, hey, let’s go inside and look at your brother’s National Lampoons. Go to #28
19/
You grab the lighter, and literally shaking, you hold it up to the nozzle, while Ian starts to spray the water black. COOL! Flames jet out of the can, covering the surface with fire. You have images of WWII movies and sinking ships, sailors desperately gasping for air… Continued in #20
20/
…. Unfortunately, the flames back up into the spray paint can, causing it to explode. Ian is barely touched and goes on to become a US Senator. Sadly, not so much for you. You did not survive the Seventies. Start Over.
21/
You go get a can of Coca-Cola, but as you open the can, you cut your finger on the tab. You keep the tab for that cool necklace you’re making, but in the meantime you’re bleeding pretty badly on mom’s yellow flower carpet.
Do you:
a) Ignore it and down the Coke. Science cannot be stopped! Go to #36
b) Sigh and go find some rags. Go to #45
22/
As you enter the Sauna, Ian closes the door behind both of you and then announces, “the door is broken! There’s no handle and we are stuck in here.” You say, Ian, you knew the handle was broken and still closed the door??? He says, yeah…. Continued in #44
23/
You start to jiggle some wires in the back, some red ones, a green one. There’s some sparking but nothing too bad. You reach for some copper wires that look like they ought to go somewhere when suddenly a jolt surges through the TV, sending smoke billowing through the basement. You just Red Shirted yourself. Start over.
24/
You sneak over to the McDougal’s front yard, and line up 4 bottle rockets propped on the edge of a brick. Evan strikes one match, and expertly, lights all 4 in one motion. Perfect!
BANG! BANG! BANG-BANG! as they careen off the windows and front door. Continues in #41
25/
You both grab roman candles and stand back to back, like a duel. You light them and each count off five steps before turning and aiming them at each other. RED! GREEN! BLUE! flashes of light shoot out at each other. Thankfully, your aims both suck and no one gets hit.
Go to #43
26/
C’mon, no, you don’t. Go to #27.
27/
You start to wail and hyperventilate and yell at Ian. Soon all the oxygen in the sauna is used up, and you both faint. You are beginning to think it’s best if you just stay away from Ian altogether. Something’s just not right with that kid. Start over.
28/
Ian says, “OK whatever” and you go inside and down the green shag carpet stairs to his brother’s wood paneled basement bedroom. For some reason, there is a literal sauna down there off the bedroom. Ian says let me show you that first.
a) Do you say, sure, I guess. Go to #22
b) Do you say, nah, let’s find his stash. Go to #11
29/
You grab a box of biscuits, and as you munch on one, start to call out, “Dunnie, Dunnie!” After searching all through the house, you finally find her under your bed and discover she has eaten your new leather shoes whole! There’s nothing left but the soles sitting on top of the carpet…Continued in #30
30/
Your eviscerated loafers give you nothing but glee. Mom had bought those for ballroom dance classes at St. Alban’s every Friday night, white gloves required. You are literally the only public school kid in the class. This is a big win.
You hear a knock at the door…. Continued in #31
31/
It’s the Nostrum boys from next door. They want to play. Yeah, absolutely. They offer:
a) Games on their new TRS-80. Go to #32
b) Street hockey in their hallway. Go to #39
c) Pretend to camp in their VW Bus. Go to #46
32/
The Nostrums turn on their TRS-80 and fire up the cassette player to run the programs. After seven minutes, the monitor finally turns on. It’s boring. Everything is dashes and numbers in black and white. You’ve had more fun playing Pong down at Shakey’s arcade. You give up.
Go back to #31.
33/
You go to your sister’s room to find “Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret,” but you get distracted by her Yes and Grateful Dead record collection. Where’s Roundabout? Let’s play that as loud as we can! Just as you put the needle down, the phone rings…. Continued in #34
34/
You go to the kitchen and pick up the olive green receiver. It’s Evan. You stretch the phone cord as far as you can and sit in the hallway. He wants to cheat on the algebra homework. You told him you haven’t done it yet…. Continued in #35
35/
… so Evan says that’s OK, he just got some new fireworks from over the state border and come on over and do that instead. Obviously, you do.
Do you:
a) fire bottle rockets at the McDougals. Go to #24
b) have a roman candle duel. Go to #25
c) put some M-80s in an anthill. Go to #37
36/
You put a fistful of Pop Rocks into your mouth and swig down a huge amount of Coca Cola. At first nothing happens, and then you discover that the rumors about Mikey…. might have had some merit after all. You gave your last full measure. For science. Start Over.
37/
You find a nice big anthill and Evan hands you an M-80. It’s huge! Are you sure these are legal, you ask? Of course not, he says – c’mon, do it! Carefully, you place the firecracker and light the fuse… and BANG! The whole hill is a mess of smoke and ruin.
But so is your hand. You are alive, but can you really say you survived the ‘70s? Start over.
38/
…. As you put them away, you notice that you did not secure the crate for Champion Dunwiddle of Wolfpit, and she is lost somewhere in the house.
Do you:
a) Grab a box of biscuits and look for Dunnie. Go to #29
b) Forget it and watch that Star Trek rerun. Go to #9
39/
Street hockey in sock feet in the Nostrum’s hallway is great. The ball careens off the walls and it’s a high scoring affair. It’s a tie game, when suddenly their goal is wide open. You wind up for a real haymaker and let it fly. GOALLLLL!!!!... continue in #40
40/
The ball flies through the doorway and smashes into their parent’s weird modern art sculpture thing which you could never figure out. Is it two persons embracing or some kind of space nebula? In any case, it topples over and breaks in half.
Do you:
a) Run like hades. Go to #14
b) Offer to glue it back together using Duco cement. Go to #56
41/
…. Laurence comes out, nasty kid, but puny. But behind him is his old man. Mr. McDougal has not held down a job since the 60s and has not been right in the head since Watergate broke. He’s in a white tank top T-shirt, with both fists clenched…. Continues in #42
42/
McDougal’s bald head is turning new shades of red as he glares at you.
Do you:
a) Run like hades. Go to #14
b) Try to go reason with him, mentioning that really, John Dean, shoulda probably stayed quiet. Go to #49
43/
So instead you go Ding Dong Ditch that weird house down the street. You creep up, ring the bell and take off! But suddenly, a HUGE muscled, greased up man wearing nothing but a Speedo races out of the door holding a baseball bat. He’s the shape of an inverse triangle.
Go to #52
44/
You’re stuck in the basement sauna with Ian here until his mom gets home, because there’s no way in hades his brother is going to open the door for you. You’re trapped. With nothing to do for hours.
Do you:
a) Sit down and calmly wait for his mom to come home. Go to # 26
b) Start to yell at Ian and begin crying and hyperventilating. Go to # 27
45/
You go find some rags and clean up the carpet as best you can. Honestly, with a 70s rug, who could tell? You have to hide the evidence, so you stuff the rags under the sofa, to be discovered later when your parents move twelve years later.
Go back to #3
46/
You and Nostrum boys crawl into their parent’s maroon VW Bus. It smells like Woodstock. Everything is fine until Michael suggests taking off the emergency break to “see what happens.” The driveway is on a hill. Stephen grabs the wheel. You dive into the back seat, looking for a seat belt, of which there are none…. Continues in #47
47/
The VW starts to pick up speed as heads into Park Lane. Stephen tries to reach the breaks, but his legs are too short. Your life starts to flash before your eyes. Oh, that time in Kindergarten when you told Lala Small you loved her! That was embarrassing…. Continues in #48
48/
Suddenly, the VW bus, going 7mph, comes to a lilting stop in the leaf fort across the street. Good thing you all built that.
Go to #50
49/
Mr. McDougal laughs and says, well, no one can keep their dam* mouth shut since the Beatles’ haircuts and everyone started doing LSD and sex. You – wisely- say nothing back. Maybe you are getting the hang of this after all. Maybe you will survive the seventies.
You head home. Go to #50
50/
Your mom comes home, and carrying a paper bag of groceries, asks you how your day was. “Fine.” She asks you if you did your algebra homework. “Of course.” What else did you do? “Nothing.”
CONGRATULATIONS! You have survived the Seventies. Grab yourself a Fresca.
To be continued, maybe….
51/
Triangle Man dials 9-1-1. You think about trying to escape in those 30 seconds it takes the “9” to dial but you don’t. The police arrive, and you end up in Juvie. Start Over.
52/
Evan says “runnnnnnn!” so you both run like hades and hide at the bottom of an outdoor stairwell at the Methodist Church. Triangle Man finds you. Cradling the baseball bat, tells you to come on out.
Slowly, you and Evan go to the top of the stairs, trembling with fear. Triangle Man, still in nothing but the Speedo, asks you where you live. Continued in #53
53/
Do you:
a) Point lamely up the street and say for the first and only time in your life, “yonder.” Go to #54
b) Tell him it’s none of his business, and he has no right terrifying young kids. Go to #55
54/
The man says, OK, were you all the kids who put a rock through his window last week. You weren’t and you tell him so earnestly. He says alright, puts the bat down, goes back to his workout and tells you to have a good day.
You go home. Go to #50
55/
You start to argue with Triangle Man, and he says nice try, but he’s an attorney who tries cases like this all the time. He brings you back to his house by bat point, and calls the police…. Continues in #51
56/
You look for glue, but give up. Ohwell, the Nostrums are the coolest parents you know. They let their kids call them by their first names, Ralph and Nancy. Anyway, that was some ugly art. No one will really miss it.
You go home. Go to #50.